Untalented Much? Parts 1 and 2
An episode on Carl's Pop Song Reviews. Carl reviews "I Can Transform Ya" by Buford/Chris Brown ft. Lil Jeet/Lil Wayne and "Whatcha Say" by Coltrane/Jason Derulo. Due to Buford and Coltrane using Autotune in their voices and Coltrane using an overused sample Stacy song, Carl declares that they have NO talent. Memorable Quotes in Part 1 Carl: Hey! Buford Von Stomm is back on the charts. Isn't that great?......I have a question. How many beautiful Fireside Girls do you have to beat the living (bleep) out of before it ends your career!? More than one! I thought we were done with Mr. Buford Von (bleep), but apparently, I was wrong. He's back with his new single, "I Can Transform Ya". Yes, that's his new message after the whole domestic abuse thing, he can transform you. Just like he transformed his girlfriend's face, and.........let me get this out of my system. For the record, Buford beat on a girl. Buford BEAT on a girl. Buford repeatedly punched a tiny, ten year old girl in the face. Carl: "I Can Transform Ya" is an awkward title for a song. Why is it called that? (screen shows a car driving in a white room. The car "transforms" into Buford. Buford starts spray-painting the walls and the song begins) Carl: Yep, your first song, entirely based on "Transformers: The Phineas and Ferb Version". I guess this sound is supposed to represent a Ferbot transforming. (the beat of the song plays) Carl: That's it. That's your beat. WAH-WAH, WAH-WAH. No melody, no chord changes, just clattering percussion and an ugly, mechanical grinding sound repeated over and over. (screen shows clips of the music video while Carl says "WAH-WAH" in the background) Back then, people might have called this "increasingly minimalist", but now, let's just call it as it is: LAZY. I could do that. Let me get some drums. (presses a drum beat on his piano) And then we have some random noise on top of that. (A lawmmower/bird noise fills the air.) Here, there's my beat. (starts rapping) I can transform ya, I can transform ya! Buford: I can transform ya, I can transform ya.... Carl: You can transform a clear head into a migraine, apparently. (screen shows Buford singing and wearing a ninja outfit) Annotation: Buford has never looked stupider. Carl: Poor Buford, he's trying so hard to find the melody. I just feel bad for him. Wait, a minute, I don't. (screen shows a picture of Adyson and Buford with a caption that says "Adyson bloody, beaten, bitten by Buford Von Stom) Carl: So he can transform you? Into what? Baljeet: (rapping) And Jeetie transforms a good girl to a freak... Carl: Oh, so you make those good girls go bad. We already have a song for that. Jeremy: I make them good girls go bad!... Carl: And speaking of, wasn't there this other good girl gone bad? (a picture of Adyson pops up) Carl: Oh, right. Yeah, Buford, I hope this song isn't about her, because that's not good marketing. Carl: Can I step into film criticism for a second? I have never seen a set of films more tortorous than the "Transformers: The Phineas and Ferb Version" series. (after Jeremy's parents walk in on an Canderemy make out session) Jeremy's mom: (to her son) Were you.....(bleep)ing? Jeremy: WHAT!? Jeremy's dad: Okay, honey, this isn't something you should be bringing up. Jeremy's mom: (to Jeremy) If it makes you feel uncomfortable, we'll call this "Jeremy's Happy Time" or "My Special Alone Time". Jeremy: Mom, stop! Carl's annotation: Transformers: More than meets the eye >:( Carl: Watching "Transformers" is like being punched in the face, so I guess that's why Buford likes it. Carl: I am amused that a Dutch guy and an Indian guy made a song about what has got to be the most racist movie since "Birth of a Nation". A Phinedroid: Hi, I'm Indian and grades are very important to me! Buford lookalike: (to Candace and Jeremy) What's crackin', little (bleep)s? (pours beer on Candace and Jeremy's heads) Indian man: (says "hi" to his mom in Hindi, then turns to Jeremy) I hope you're getting good grades in school, or else, I will ask your parents to put the shame curtains up. Ferbot: But....I've never kissed a girl before. I only like beer. Carl: Not like Buford and Baljeet are positive role models themselves. (shows pictures of news articles about Buford being arrested for hitting Adyson and Baljeet getting arrested because he took drugs). Baljeet: (rapping) I can transform ya, like a transformer.... Carl: (sarcastically) Oh, gee, thanks for the clarification MC Obvious! Baljeet: But I'm just getting warmed up, so tell your man he better get his Voltron up.... Carl: NO! NO! YOU created the flimsy premise of this song, you don't get to sing about another eighties' cartoon just because you ran out of rhymes for "transformers". There are many words that rhyme with "friendship is magic", but that's not what the song is about! Carl: Let's face it, this is a repulsive song. It's ugly to listen to, and it's message is awful. It's just Buford saying "hey girl, I buy you things, you become my (bleep). Buford: Shoes, you got it, got it, bags, you got it, got it, cars, you got it, got it, money, still got it, got it.... Carl: (sarcastically) I'll buy you cars, I'll buy you jewelry, I'll buy you top-notch medical care after I (bleep) you. Carl: Yeah, I totally failed to make this review about how Buford is a terrible human being, but this song is not his fault. Buford may be a (bleep), but I don't blame this song on him. I blame YOU. Buford doesn't get to choose which of his songs become popular. I know that he tried to release a bunch of wimpy apology songs, but no, you didn't wanna hear Buford say he's sorry, did you? No, you wanted to hear Buford tell you that he'd buy you things and you'd be his (bleep) slave. And that doesn't say good things about Buford, but it says REALLY questionable things about you. Carl: I hate this song. It makes me feel dirty listening to it. I can only say one thing that describes how I feel about this song. This song reminds me of a giant alien robot is urinating on me. Phinedroid: (pees on Dr. Doofenshmirtz) Doofenshmirtz: (bleep)! Carl: Like that. Good night. (episode ends) Carl: WAH-WAH! (episode officially ends) Memorable Quotes in Part 2 Carl: Alright, what are we doing today? Which song? (takes out a piece of paper) "Whatcha Say" by Coltrane. Coltrane: (singing) Coltrane is awesome. Carl: Who? I don't know. I've never heard of the guy, but it's worth a shot. Whatcha say, Coltrane? Stacy's Voice: Wha-wha-wha-wha-what did you say? Mmmm, whatcha say? Yeah, that you only meant well, ooh, because you did?... Carl: Oh, you have got to be KIDDING me. STACY HIRANO! Really? REALLY!? You did it! You went and did it! Dear God. Uggggggggggggh. Carl: I know producers are sampling scraps of music nowadays, and that's why we have Adyson sampling the "Numa Numa" song. But I thought Stacy's song was off-limits. Boy, I'm sure an idiot! Stacy: (begins singing "Hide and Seek" by Imogen Heap) Carl: For those of you who don't know, Stacy Hirano is some weird dorky indie-pop singer, and her most famous song is this haunting acapella tune called "Hide and Seek". Yeah, you might have heard it sung by EVERY college acapella group. The wiki people: Mmmm, whatcha say, yeah that you only meant well, because you did..... Carl: Or you might have heard it during a scene in "Danville Law". (screen shows Candace shooting Albert) Stacy's voice: Mmmm, whatcha say, yeah that you only meant well, because you did.... Carl: And then it got parodied on the Phineas and Ferb Night Show. (screen shows Phineas and Ferb fake-killing Isabella while Stacy sings in the background) Carl: And then that joke got beat into the ground by a bunch of overdone Youtube videos. (screen shows Alt Doofenshmirtz capturing Phineas, Ferb, Candace, Perry, and Doof-1) Stacy: Mmmm, whatcha say, yeah that you only meant well, because you did..... Carl: (sarcastically) Hilarious. Carl: And now it's sampled in this song. And you can blame on this guy, Ph-Ph-Ph-Ph-Ph-Ph-Phineas, Pheenias, whatever. That guy is behind some of the most horrible sampling in recent memory. Look. Ferb: (singing) Stand by me, oh, stand by me.... Buford: They have you suicidal, suicidal, when they say it's over.... Irving: Tainted love, tainted love.... Adyson: SOS, please, somebody help me, it's not healthy for me to feel this.... Carl: Truly, nothing is sacred to this guy. Stacy: Mmm, whatcha say, yeah that you only meant well, because you did, mmm, whatcha say.... Coltrane: Whatcha say, whatcha say.... Carl: (starts dancing badly, then stops) So, I guess this song's about how this guy cheated. On Stacy Hirano, I guess. WHY WOULD YOU CHEAT ON STACY HIRANO, YOU JERK!? (screen shows Coltrane dancing in front of Stacy's house) Carl: Uh.....what are you doing? Are you dancing about how sorry you are? Coltrane: I was caught up in her lust... Carl: "Her lust"? You sure it wasn't your lust? It's all her fault, huh? Okay, this is starting to go downhill. Coltrane: So when I become a star, I'll be living so large, I'll do anything for you... Carl: Whoa! Back it up, buddy. That's your apology? That's how you're going to make it up to her? Let's break this one down. (not singing) "So when I become a star, I'll be living so large, I'll do anything for you." Okay, one, you're saying that you're going to buy her love back once you're famous. So what happens if you don't become famous? Does the cheating continue? And what's the implication here? Did you cheat on her because you weren't famous? You know, after you have millions of fans and girls throwing themselves at you? You know who isn't known for fidelity and stable relationships? Famous people. (screen shows a magazine article about Phineas cheating on Isabella) That's like saying "Baby, I know I've got a gambling problem. But things will get better once we move to Vegas". You're an idiot. Coltrane: I know what I did wasn't clever..... Carl: "Clever"? No, cheating isn't exactly considered "witty" unless you meant it as a practical joke. Was this a practical joke? Because this could be really funny. Coltrane: So let me in, give me another chance to me to be your man.... Random guys: OHHH! Carl: Why did they just shout "OHHH" for? This isn't a party song. Why are they shouting that? Do they mean "OHHH my god, this is the least convincing apology ever", cause it is. You wanna know what a genuine, sincerely sorry man sounds like? Albert: (sings a passionate love song about trying to win Stacy's love back) Carl: That was Albert, this is you. Coltrane: So when I become a star, I'll be living so large, I'll do anything for you... Carl: Did you hear those differences? Well, part of the problem is Albert getting everything right, and you getting everything wrong. Albert: I hope you accept the fact that I'm man enough to tell you this. Carl: The fact still matters. Carl: (sings) But when I become a star, I'll buy houses and cars, while I sleep around on you. (singing along to Stacy's part of the song) Mmmm whatcha say? That you're a lying sack of (bleep) oooh 'cause you totally are. Mmmm whatcha say? You said you wouldn't do it again, you idiot! Coltrane: Girl, tell me whatcha say.... Annotation: TAIMIWACHASAIYAA!!!!! Coltrane: I don't want you to leave me, though you caught me cheating... Carl: (sarcastically) "Baby, I don't want you to leave me. Although you DID catch me cheating." (in his regular voice) Huh? HUH? WHAT!? Is anyone in this song actually trying!? The chorus is stolen from another song, the vocals are Autotuned, the verses sound like every other R&B song, and you know what, it's one thing if a rapper wants to steal the chorus for his own, but you're NOT a rapper. You're a singer. Sing your own lyrics, jerk! I'm sorry, weren't R&B guys smoother than this? Ferb: (sings an R&B song in a deep voice) Carl: You know, more sophisticated, more worldly, smarter, more ADULT, instead of being reedy-voiced teenagers like this guy, Col-Colt.... Coltrane: (singing) Coltrane is awesome. Carl: SHUT UP! Coltrane: Girl, tell me whatcha say! Annotation: Timmy whatcha say ah (while Coltrane sings, a collage of photos of Timmy Turner pops up) Carl: If this song gets any worse, then I'm beating myself unconscious. Coltrane: (sings along with Stacy, but with more emotion) Carl: WHAT!? Is he singing along!? You can't sing along with her, you moron! She's being sarcastic! Of course you meant well? YOU CHEATED ON HER! How could that possibly be the case!? How is "it all for the best"!? Uggggggh! STOP SINGING OVER HER, (bleep)! I HATE THIS SONG! I HATE THIS SONG! (beats himself in the head with a brick and then falls to the floor) Stacy: Mmmm, whatcha say? Yeah, that you only meant well.... (episode ends) Trivia *The creator has "Whatcha Say" on her iPod, but will be taking it off *She does not have "I Can Transform Ya" on her iPod *The creator watched part of the first and second Transformers movies. They were "meh". Category:Stories by Tpffan5196 Category:Fanon Works Category:Fan-Fiction Episodes Category:Coltrane Category:Buford Von Stomm Category:Reviews